I Love You

Sometimes your heart gets so filled up with pain it feels like it's going to burst.

But then sometimes that ache mingles with a weird and heart-breaking joy. And now your heart is all stretched out and a much bigger space than you ever thought possible. And instead of just pain, it's a deep and aching love, more full and real than a love that fills a space never stretched by pain.

Simon, my heart aches for you.

It's so hard to stay awake. But not a nice dreamy, sleep. Deadness. Heartlessness and discontent.

Who has the answer? Is the answer Christ? Am I too tired? Just literally, physically too tired to focus my eyes?

I just want constant passion and perpetual truth and life. That's all I ask. But I keep getting tired and sitting down. And I don't know where to put my energy. Like what to focus on even if I could. Like music and colors and acrylic paint and embroidery and baking and jelly and meat and hunting and gathering like strawberries and tomatoes and mommying and pups and playing and singing and dancing and eating and drinking and drinking and water and diving and swimming and soccer and cigarettes and music and music and experience and creation and photos and images and gold and history and reading and brains just as strong as faith. Like where to begin? What to do? How to get all these internal fragments into something worthwhile. But I don't even really believe that. Making something worthwhile of yourself. Or do I?

If you take all these elements of beauty and interest or talent and never organize them into anything is it all just a horrid waste? Or is it all just selfish and wasteful to even try. Love only. Above and beyond, Love. I think there can be heart and soul and intention and all just as a shadow to Love. Like, it all does matter and it should be considered and well thought out and played. But as second fiddle to love.

Mr. Simon, how'd you get so smart? If you could only live more in some pre-fab alternate life like I do, maybe you wouldn't suffer so much. Just detach and die off a little. Like me.

Neither of us really lives. Me because life scares the shit out of me and you because of cruel, cruel SFN.

Come on, Aslan, time to wake up? Pleeeeeese.

Dog, Days

So, here I am not blogging.

Guess what? I got DAYS! I'm soooooooooooo excited. I think our life will be forever changed for the better!! Honestly, no leaving the fam at night, no switching between days and nights, no more nights induced diarrhea! I'm hoping my mind comes back too! When you're a nurse and you have to be "on" in the middle of the night, your brain gets fried for anything but middle of the night emergencies. You can imagine how disorganized my house is. Blerg.

But anyway, the end of all that nonsense is near!!!!!!!! July 28th near!

Also, Dogs. Beautiful, mindful creatures. I've got puppy fever. Our neighbor is dog sitting for, Gertie. The most amazing Am Staff pup I've ever seen! I want her. She wants me too. She got loose yesterday and ran to me and just sat by my side. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But, unfortunately, she's not mine. Not available to adopt. :( And we shouldn't yet. Need to get a fence and crate and read up on Natural Dogmanship. But oh how I love that Gertie!

So, that's all for now. My little A is saying, "Mommy, Mommy come to the beach with me." So to the "beach" I must go!

For Simon

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

Experiment: 4th Photos

Strawberry Pie!! (Unfortunately I used tapioca starch instead of corn, the "gel" had the texture of an unmentionable body fluid.)

Forth of July Baby!