Obamacare, etc.

So, that's a big downer. Government regulated, required healthcare. Nothing like being told how to live your life. Everybody must really love dictators or something. If it really were better, would they really have to require everybody to have it? Wouldn't people just choose it?

On the plus side, I've been working days for several months!!!!!! It's wonderful. I can think all day long! I was only a Med/Surg nurse for a couple months and then got a job in the midwife's office. It's been awesome for daily life, but I'm suffering a pride crisis. Apparently I've been getting my worth and identity from my job. An easy mistake, I'm sure, but hurtful non-the-less. I'm working on it. While thinking about a new way to increase my pride, becoming a midwife myself! It still may end up being a good choice for our family. But I'll have to work on this pride crap in the mean time.

I Love You

Sometimes your heart gets so filled up with pain it feels like it's going to burst.

But then sometimes that ache mingles with a weird and heart-breaking joy. And now your heart is all stretched out and a much bigger space than you ever thought possible. And instead of just pain, it's a deep and aching love, more full and real than a love that fills a space never stretched by pain.

Simon, my heart aches for you.

It's so hard to stay awake. But not a nice dreamy, sleep. Deadness. Heartlessness and discontent.

Who has the answer? Is the answer Christ? Am I too tired? Just literally, physically too tired to focus my eyes?

I just want constant passion and perpetual truth and life. That's all I ask. But I keep getting tired and sitting down. And I don't know where to put my energy. Like what to focus on even if I could. Like music and colors and acrylic paint and embroidery and baking and jelly and meat and hunting and gathering like strawberries and tomatoes and mommying and pups and playing and singing and dancing and eating and drinking and drinking and water and diving and swimming and soccer and cigarettes and music and music and experience and creation and photos and images and gold and history and reading and brains just as strong as faith. Like where to begin? What to do? How to get all these internal fragments into something worthwhile. But I don't even really believe that. Making something worthwhile of yourself. Or do I?

If you take all these elements of beauty and interest or talent and never organize them into anything is it all just a horrid waste? Or is it all just selfish and wasteful to even try. Love only. Above and beyond, Love. I think there can be heart and soul and intention and all just as a shadow to Love. Like, it all does matter and it should be considered and well thought out and played. But as second fiddle to love.

Mr. Simon, how'd you get so smart? If you could only live more in some pre-fab alternate life like I do, maybe you wouldn't suffer so much. Just detach and die off a little. Like me.

Neither of us really lives. Me because life scares the shit out of me and you because of cruel, cruel SFN.

Come on, Aslan, time to wake up? Pleeeeeese.

Dog, Days

So, here I am not blogging.

Guess what? I got DAYS! I'm soooooooooooo excited. I think our life will be forever changed for the better!! Honestly, no leaving the fam at night, no switching between days and nights, no more nights induced diarrhea! I'm hoping my mind comes back too! When you're a nurse and you have to be "on" in the middle of the night, your brain gets fried for anything but middle of the night emergencies. You can imagine how disorganized my house is. Blerg.

But anyway, the end of all that nonsense is near!!!!!!!! July 28th near!

Also, Dogs. Beautiful, mindful creatures. I've got puppy fever. Our neighbor is dog sitting for, Gertie. The most amazing Am Staff pup I've ever seen! I want her. She wants me too. She got loose yesterday and ran to me and just sat by my side. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But, unfortunately, she's not mine. Not available to adopt. :( And we shouldn't yet. Need to get a fence and crate and read up on Natural Dogmanship. But oh how I love that Gertie!

So, that's all for now. My little A is saying, "Mommy, Mommy come to the beach with me." So to the "beach" I must go!

For Simon

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

Experiment: 4th Photos

Strawberry Pie!! (Unfortunately I used tapioca starch instead of corn, the "gel" had the texture of an unmentionable body fluid.)

Forth of July Baby!

Chocolate Chip Cookies!!!!

My very own, very delicious chocolate chip cookies (because I can't leave anything alone; just ask poor Mr. Simon o_O). Dairy free, gluten free, almost paleo! Pretty great, right?! But seriously, they are. Try them. I've even made the font larger so that they're more impressive.

Beth’s Almond Flour Chocolate Chip Cookies

1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 large eggs
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups Honeyville blanched almond flour (buy it, you'll love it!)
1 bag Enjoy Life chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350.

2. In the bowl of a stand mixer, cream together the coconut oil and sugar. Add the vanilla and eggs, beat for a bit.

3. In a separate bowl, mix the baking soda and salt with the almond flour. Add the almond flour mix slowing to the coconut oil mix. Fold in the chocolate chips.

4. Use a tablespoon to put dough on cookie sheets. Bake for 10-? minutes until done. :) Let cool a while (like 5 minutes) on the cookie sheet to allow the cookies to “set.”

*These cookies are very moist, leave storage container or bag cracked to let them breathe a little.

*Freeze well! Delicious frozen!

Amazing Blog

Everything on this blog is true:

http://isaacmorehouse.wordpress.com/

It's possible, isn't it?

Goodbye/Hello

Hi, faithful readers. My two friends. :)

So, I don't think blogging is for me. It seemed nice, to start. But now it's just a chore. The inspiration is all gone. There's no creativity to it for one. Just yak yak yak. If I'm gonna spend my time on something at least it should be art, I think. Something wonderful and thrilling and beautiful. Not just a pre-made blog. Not techy enough to make it look cool and even if I were I wouldn't like it anymore once it looked cool.

I was originally totally inspired by this blog:

http://www.sparklingadventures.com/

because of its realness and the woman's idea to create a photojournal for her kids. And I have a huge place in my heart for this woman--her loss and passion.

But I can't keep up with something if I feel no passion for it. No passion for blogging.

But I don't know where my passion lies. Or, I guess, I've always sort of looked for my passion to lie in some traditionally arty outlet. But maybe it doesn't. It does. Like, really truly. But I have my Simon and my little Buddy. And they are were my passion lie. And after them I have great passion for looking at graphic art and doing crafts (like real art, not like scrapbooking and poop, like metalworking and embroidery) and performing music and listening to music and tasting food.

So, I guess, instead of copying someone else's outlet, I'd rather live my life. Experientially. Artfully.

Plus, I kinda thought I could make my blog famous (I only got traffic because I said Paleo) and make a lot of money (or at least a little), but everything loses its sparkle for me when $ shows up. Don't know why.

So, we'll have to just hang out instead. You can come to my house. I think I'm going to make the 12 Acre Wood and our house my outlet. :) You'll like it.

And now I feel much more like blogging. And you know the "house" passion will wane with the old moon. Luna, right? Totally female/moon/lunacy. God, I wish I could focus.

Bla, Bla, Bla

:) Bla, bla, bla. I wanna get a pedicure. Never had an interest before, now all of a sudden sounds like heaven.

Also, I think I'm opening up inside. Like, getting freer. Like just being able to sit back at look at life and exhale. Experience it instead of waste it with busyness and fear and control (or rather a false sense of control).

The boy and I had a talk, and we're talking better. Getting at each other’s hearts. He's letting me in too. Into his pain and anger. Haven't felt this close and together and in love in a long time. Weird how sharing in someone else's suffering brings you both joy. God, the longer I live, the less I understand you and the more right that seems to me.

My friend is doing an experiment with blue light (cobalt) and healing. Super stoked about that because what could be more healing than cobalt. Lovely color. I'll post her results.

And beauty in general...it's healing. I think. Not in some mystical way. Or maybe so, the magic of God. Art and creation and life--the opposite of sin and death and sickness.

Ma and Pa are thinking of getting some land--we visited it a week ago and spent an hour tramping around a 12 acre wood. Wow. Pure heaven. The girl loved it. Absolutely loved it. :) Us too. At one point she lay down on the ground and looked up into the trees. I wish I had words for what that was like. Words would just lessen it.

So, my cobalt blue friend and I went thrifting--totally cool. Got some enameled cups for camping in the woods! Wishful buying. :) But, I broke one already. I didn't think you could break those--like they should be all indestructible and shit. Not so. Not so. Cut my finger on it too.

Whelp. Laters!