I Love You

Sometimes your heart gets so filled up with pain it feels like it's going to burst.

But then sometimes that ache mingles with a weird and heart-breaking joy. And now your heart is all stretched out and a much bigger space than you ever thought possible. And instead of just pain, it's a deep and aching love, more full and real than a love that fills a space never stretched by pain.

Simon, my heart aches for you.

It's so hard to stay awake. But not a nice dreamy, sleep. Deadness. Heartlessness and discontent.

Who has the answer? Is the answer Christ? Am I too tired? Just literally, physically too tired to focus my eyes?

I just want constant passion and perpetual truth and life. That's all I ask. But I keep getting tired and sitting down. And I don't know where to put my energy. Like what to focus on even if I could. Like music and colors and acrylic paint and embroidery and baking and jelly and meat and hunting and gathering like strawberries and tomatoes and mommying and pups and playing and singing and dancing and eating and drinking and drinking and water and diving and swimming and soccer and cigarettes and music and music and experience and creation and photos and images and gold and history and reading and brains just as strong as faith. Like where to begin? What to do? How to get all these internal fragments into something worthwhile. But I don't even really believe that. Making something worthwhile of yourself. Or do I?

If you take all these elements of beauty and interest or talent and never organize them into anything is it all just a horrid waste? Or is it all just selfish and wasteful to even try. Love only. Above and beyond, Love. I think there can be heart and soul and intention and all just as a shadow to Love. Like, it all does matter and it should be considered and well thought out and played. But as second fiddle to love.

Mr. Simon, how'd you get so smart? If you could only live more in some pre-fab alternate life like I do, maybe you wouldn't suffer so much. Just detach and die off a little. Like me.

Neither of us really lives. Me because life scares the shit out of me and you because of cruel, cruel SFN.

Come on, Aslan, time to wake up? Pleeeeeese.

Dog, Days

So, here I am not blogging.

Guess what? I got DAYS! I'm soooooooooooo excited. I think our life will be forever changed for the better!! Honestly, no leaving the fam at night, no switching between days and nights, no more nights induced diarrhea! I'm hoping my mind comes back too! When you're a nurse and you have to be "on" in the middle of the night, your brain gets fried for anything but middle of the night emergencies. You can imagine how disorganized my house is. Blerg.

But anyway, the end of all that nonsense is near!!!!!!!! July 28th near!

Also, Dogs. Beautiful, mindful creatures. I've got puppy fever. Our neighbor is dog sitting for, Gertie. The most amazing Am Staff pup I've ever seen! I want her. She wants me too. She got loose yesterday and ran to me and just sat by my side. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But, unfortunately, she's not mine. Not available to adopt. :( And we shouldn't yet. Need to get a fence and crate and read up on Natural Dogmanship. But oh how I love that Gertie!

So, that's all for now. My little A is saying, "Mommy, Mommy come to the beach with me." So to the "beach" I must go!

For Simon

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

Experiment: 4th Photos

Strawberry Pie!! (Unfortunately I used tapioca starch instead of corn, the "gel" had the texture of an unmentionable body fluid.)

Forth of July Baby!

Chocolate Chip Cookies!!!!

My very own, very delicious chocolate chip cookies (because I can't leave anything alone; just ask poor Mr. Simon o_O). Dairy free, gluten free, almost paleo! Pretty great, right?! But seriously, they are. Try them. I've even made the font larger so that they're more impressive.

Beth’s Almond Flour Chocolate Chip Cookies

1/2 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
2 large eggs
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups Honeyville blanched almond flour (buy it, you'll love it!)
1 bag Enjoy Life chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 350.

2. In the bowl of a stand mixer, cream together the coconut oil and sugar. Add the vanilla and eggs, beat for a bit.

3. In a separate bowl, mix the baking soda and salt with the almond flour. Add the almond flour mix slowing to the coconut oil mix. Fold in the chocolate chips.

4. Use a tablespoon to put dough on cookie sheets. Bake for 10-? minutes until done. :) Let cool a while (like 5 minutes) on the cookie sheet to allow the cookies to “set.”

*These cookies are very moist, leave storage container or bag cracked to let them breathe a little.

*Freeze well! Delicious frozen!

Amazing Blog

Everything on this blog is true:

http://isaacmorehouse.wordpress.com/

It's possible, isn't it?

Goodbye/Hello

Hi, faithful readers. My two friends. :)

So, I don't think blogging is for me. It seemed nice, to start. But now it's just a chore. The inspiration is all gone. There's no creativity to it for one. Just yak yak yak. If I'm gonna spend my time on something at least it should be art, I think. Something wonderful and thrilling and beautiful. Not just a pre-made blog. Not techy enough to make it look cool and even if I were I wouldn't like it anymore once it looked cool.

I was originally totally inspired by this blog:

http://www.sparklingadventures.com/

because of its realness and the woman's idea to create a photojournal for her kids. And I have a huge place in my heart for this woman--her loss and passion.

But I can't keep up with something if I feel no passion for it. No passion for blogging.

But I don't know where my passion lies. Or, I guess, I've always sort of looked for my passion to lie in some traditionally arty outlet. But maybe it doesn't. It does. Like, really truly. But I have my Simon and my little Buddy. And they are were my passion lie. And after them I have great passion for looking at graphic art and doing crafts (like real art, not like scrapbooking and poop, like metalworking and embroidery) and performing music and listening to music and tasting food.

So, I guess, instead of copying someone else's outlet, I'd rather live my life. Experientially. Artfully.

Plus, I kinda thought I could make my blog famous (I only got traffic because I said Paleo) and make a lot of money (or at least a little), but everything loses its sparkle for me when $ shows up. Don't know why.

So, we'll have to just hang out instead. You can come to my house. I think I'm going to make the 12 Acre Wood and our house my outlet. :) You'll like it.

And now I feel much more like blogging. And you know the "house" passion will wane with the old moon. Luna, right? Totally female/moon/lunacy. God, I wish I could focus.

Bla, Bla, Bla

:) Bla, bla, bla. I wanna get a pedicure. Never had an interest before, now all of a sudden sounds like heaven.

Also, I think I'm opening up inside. Like, getting freer. Like just being able to sit back at look at life and exhale. Experience it instead of waste it with busyness and fear and control (or rather a false sense of control).

The boy and I had a talk, and we're talking better. Getting at each other’s hearts. He's letting me in too. Into his pain and anger. Haven't felt this close and together and in love in a long time. Weird how sharing in someone else's suffering brings you both joy. God, the longer I live, the less I understand you and the more right that seems to me.

My friend is doing an experiment with blue light (cobalt) and healing. Super stoked about that because what could be more healing than cobalt. Lovely color. I'll post her results.

And beauty in general...it's healing. I think. Not in some mystical way. Or maybe so, the magic of God. Art and creation and life--the opposite of sin and death and sickness.

Ma and Pa are thinking of getting some land--we visited it a week ago and spent an hour tramping around a 12 acre wood. Wow. Pure heaven. The girl loved it. Absolutely loved it. :) Us too. At one point she lay down on the ground and looked up into the trees. I wish I had words for what that was like. Words would just lessen it.

So, my cobalt blue friend and I went thrifting--totally cool. Got some enameled cups for camping in the woods! Wishful buying. :) But, I broke one already. I didn't think you could break those--like they should be all indestructible and shit. Not so. Not so. Cut my finger on it too.

Whelp. Laters!

Presence

Ok, so, back to it. Onward and upward. Just because something is hard doesn't mean it's not worthwhile. So, Buying Hiatus, Temperance Mission whatever you want to call it, I need to be responsible and accountable. I don't live a champagne life. Period. Simple. I live a Good Will life.

But I do have an amazing life should I choose to appreciate it. I have wonderful in-laws. A husband who truly loves me and wants what's best for me. A beautiful and bright little girl. I have plenty and beyond. I'm just too stuck up too see it. Or I forget or something. And yes, everyone needs, "something to make the waiting sweeter." But I don't have to be spoiled.

Also, I will do better with pictures...as in, get some. Notice my anorexic arms and fluffy baby. Not so much the case anymore. And don't worry, I'm not anorexic. I was just breastfeeding 20 times a day. No joke. She was a piranha. :) Good thing too because I was always worried she wasn't getting enough. Also no joke.

I want to be present for my kid's life. And read and do things. Have adventures. Live my life. Live my life. I want to connect with my husband. And not just after the kiddo's in bed. Always. While doing chores, while running errands, when sitting in silence. Always.

I think I'm sort of a germ-a-phobe. Which probably means I'm a flaming germ-a-phobe. So I'm gonna try to nip that in the bud (or full blossom). Like, for instance, I don't want to go bowling because I don't want to put my feet into nasty shoes. But I love to bowl. Baby step answer....take old socks and throw them away! Genius. :)

Last but not least, pray for day shift. I'm such a zombie....

Temperance My Ass

:) So, epic fail. I went to the store to buy stuff, and I got a lot of stuff.

Also, and here's the clinker, I spent money we don't even have. We do, because it's in savings, but we don't because it's savings. And I'll pay it off when we get paid, but in the mean time it's a negative balance.... And it's not the first time. But it super stresses me out.

So, most blogs are about actual topics and are written by real (or imagined) experts. Recipe blogs, crafting blogs, health blogs, frugality blogs. Tips and successes! Whoohooo successes!

Yeah, not so much this one. This one is more like a confessional blog. Like, I wish I were into quilting and crafting and cooking and budgeting, but I'm not. And I really don't have any expert advise to provide to anyone. Also, I hate being frugal. I like Starbucks and this really good and really expensive salami I found at the grocery and wine and Jolly Pumpkin beer and dark, dark chocolate. I enjoy my budget busted. It's just how I roll.

But also, I don't, because I want to pay off debt (student loans) and save for the future and save for a house. And in a way, I feel great discouragement because living on one modest salary doesn't allow all of the above. It's either Aldi (and you might say, "But they have wine and dark chocolate!" and I'll promptly reply, "Have you tasted them?") and Good Will or Meijer and American Apparel. And as of late I've chosen the later because I'm tired and need "something to make the waiting sweeter." But it's at the expense of paying off debt and saving. It's hard to motivate myself for such a far off and intangible goal. How can I be happy to drink crappy coffee and eat shitty food while working a very stressful night-shift job and caring for (being able to do nothing to help) my sick husband and doing perpetual laundry and dishes and providing food for my family and all the physical care of a little one. How can everything in life be hard and unenjoyable? And I know that sweet, little, African children have it far worse--they have no parents or food and are mutilated and abused. So, how dare I complain. But I do. I do complain. Because this is not an inspirational blog, it is a real one. And I really do complain. And I really am thankful. Thankful for Simon and our house and my little girl and provision. I just need "something to make the waiting sweeter."

Update

Happy:  New car with better gas mileage (2000 Honda Accord, holla!), plumbers and their backhoes are finally gone!, Christmas is a comin' and the goose is gettin' fat, Vicki's/slave dilemma solved (girls at work threw me a surprise party and got me gift certs!!!--sweethearts), microwave died (no more scary radiation and I didn't have to make that call!).

Sad:  Car payment & a smaller car, shoddy workmanship on the basement waterproofing--still leaks, have to dump 10 gallons of beer, Caribou Slobber tastes like green acid.

The boy continues to fail in health. Boy, that sounds nice, doesn't it? What I want to say is, "The Lord continues to not heal him," with a bitter tongue. But I'm a human and he's a human and how much suffering can one person take? Why, Lord? I don't mean to be an ungrateful and bratty kid, but why not help?! I know he will eventually. But my boy is desperate, on the edge of despair.... And we will continue to love and serve you. God you are wise beyond our wisdom. Also, you love us. This is what I hang my hat on.

Buying Hiatus:  I was all wrong there. It's not that I need to not buy anything. It's that I need to not be a selfish stuff-whore. In buying, as in every other facet of my heart, I want and seek the best for myself. Wrong. I cope with life by getting everything I think I need. I justify and budget shift until I get what I want. Then I'm "happy." But I'm not really. So, the Buying Hiatus is being revamped and renamed:

Temperance Mission. In all things, temperance. Contentment and patience. I need a garlic press, wait to find one at Good Will, right? Not research the best and have to have it. I used to be rich--rich people buy only the best. Now I'm poor. Poor in spirit. And I can be truly grateful. Thanksgiving (the literal holiday, the the verb) opened my eyes. I was sad and disheartened. No thankfulness in my heart for any material thing. But an overwhelming thankfulness for people. For my husband and my daughter. For my parents-in-law and coworkers. People matter. Things don't. It's true. And when that's true, the dollar store Christmas-tree skirt you're given is perfect and amazing. And holding your feverish daughter is gift. And grape-flavor Tylenol is just right.

So, Temperance Mission.

And I can't say that I'm not thankful, in a bazaar way, for our suffering because it changes me. In a good way. Even though I brink on bitterness.

Hard

To be alive. To struggle. To fight and lose. Consistently. By degrees. To lose a little. And a little. And a little. But to remain alive. Is this life? Our slow death? We constantly fight to improve and grow and gain strength and wealth, to find time. We can't be dying from the time of birth, because all our hopes and dreams are born with us. But in our growth we lose. Gain and lose. And then at some point just lose. And what does it mean for us when the growing stops? Or maybe it doesn't. Not really. But at some point the losing overwhelms the growth. And death wins. The grave swallows us. And not our souls. But our bodies for sure. And not forever, but certainly for real. The moment of death, the transcription of ourselves--from one form into another. Or maybe not. Maybe we are immediately just as we always should have been. Human bodies, souls untouched by sin. But where are we? And where are we with regard to all who are left still dying? Parallel universes?

Sad. Broken hearted. Crushed in spirit. How much suffering is too much? Uncle, right? Uncle, Lord.

Update

Our house will never be miraculous and my social justice/stewardship/political/healthy living values are going to make us broke. And I'll of course never buy cute panties at V's because there's no way they are made without the help of slaves.

Ugg.

Also, the Subaru's transmission is really shot now.

Corn Terrifies Me! (Holy Health-Nut Rant, Batman! Half Retraction)

So, watched an informational show (how it works or something) about corn. It was terrible. And terrifying. Did you know GMO corn kills monarch butterflies? Yes. It does. And the place they grow this corn? In a deep, dark limestone cave because if the GMO strains get out they could wipe out all the corn in the US. Then it'd kill all the livestock (cause they're all beefed up on corn). Yeah, Science, that seems like a good idea.

So, I'm on a mission to avoid all corn. And I've been disturbed by the meat industry for a long time, but now I've got the balls to buy meat raised with integrity. (I've vaguely heard these things are not good, but I need proof, not just vagueness and opinion.)

So, I take back what I said about science and GMOs being a good idea. But I am still fascinated by it. I love microbiology. And I would totally be an agricultural scientist if I could even though I think it's sort of evil.

*NOTE: The show was not even crazy-leftist propaganda, only informational.

Also, Wal-Mart really is bad because it is subsidized by the government and isn't free-market at all. Plus, (like most big stores) they are notorious for poor treatment of humans (like outsourcing for the lowest price even if the people making those clothes/toys/shoes/etc. are slaves and abused). I hate human trafficking.

Trenches and Tubals

Sooooooooooooooooo. I sort of suck. I was all scheduled for a tubal ligation this morning and I cancelled last minute. I couldn't go through with it. I don't mean to be so fickle, but I couldn't imagine how it would actually feel to be permanently sterile until it was actually going to happen. My fatal flaw. I can't know how I'll feel about something until I'm in the throes of it (and I sort of have a feeling lag--days sometimes weeks late). Simon is really such a saint about it. We talked a little yesterday morning when I got home from work and then some more when I woke up and decided we can't do it yet. Both of us still want more kids. Whether or not we'll be able to have more kids is another story, better told years down the road. Not today. So, my doctor and the surgery staff will just have to suck it up.

In other news, I want some Vicky's bras and panties. Sick of slacker boobs. Also, who doesn't like a cute bootie? Waiting for the semiannual sale which my coworkers tell me will be in Januar.

So, the house search is still on. NOTHING remotely good. The in-laws just paid to waterproof the basement though, so our place is possibly going to be much nicer soon. I'm going to scrub that nasty basement and we'll have to make a couple trips to the dump, but I'm thinking we could paint the walls to brighten them a bit and totally increase our living space. The basement won't be anything pretty, but we can move Simon's work bench down there and I could set up an Art Area and organize all my attic (inaccessible) totes. And I really want to move our bookshelves down there. The flying-toast dining room could use a little extra space. Gosh, now I'm getting excited. Simon says he still hates our house, but I think a couple of changes could be miraculous. I need to rearrange our living room too--so not cozy. Also, I want an antenna--for television. I'm wasting my whole life not watching Ellen! What sort of a person does that?!

I really need to figure out how to get pictures on here--this blog would be sooo much better with pictures. Not even kidding.

So, cute story:  My kid was standing on a chair, smashing her face on the window, watching the plumbers run their backhoes all around our house, pounding on the glass and waving; and then she turns to me and says, with the most heartfelt excitement, "I wanna go play!" Who doesn't wanna go play in all those dirt mounds, kid? Who doesn't?

On Hops and Homes

So, the buying hiatus is going well. I've resisted temptation on all fronts. My blessed mother-in-law did give me 50 bucks in an envelope saying, "I never get you anything, go buy yourself something." So I did drop that like it was hot. But it doesn't count. You can't put every damn penny on debt. Besides, in two years when debt is gone, there'll be no money for spending because a loaf of bread will be 20 bucks (or, for all the DIYers, 5 pounds of flour will be 60!) and a tank of gas $150. Am I optimistic or what?! But it's true.

So, I bet you're dying to know what I bought?

The suspense killing you?

Well, I blew it all on beer. And beer paraphernalia. I got a tee from a local "American Public House." That's what the shirt really says. How cool is that? And one Hoptimum and one Fat Head Oktoberfest (for Simon) and we split what I thought was a Left Hand beer with hazelnut and apricot, but I can't remember the name or find it on their website, so the Hoptimum may have done it's job. Also, I got a special edition Jolly Pumpkin saison--iO Red Saison. Sooooooooooo excited about that. It's been cellared for my birthday (in our super cool cellar called a refrigerator). And Taza chocolate.

Amazing how fast $50 can go. :) It was the best day ever. Oh, did I mention, my saintly mother-in-love took the kid for three hours. So that whole time of buying bliss me and the mister had each other all to ourselves. :)

House search. Well, we're going to see two on Wednesday. Nothing too promising, but who knows. We're almost ready to buy anything at all.

*Funny Story: So, I'm in the kitchen peeling ridiculous eggs--losing half the whites, and making toast. The kid has been crying since she got into her chair for lunch because A) she fell asleep 15 minutes before we got home from our walk (5 minutes ago) and should not be awake right now and B) I'm not holding her. So, Simon's at the table "buttering" (because we really use coconut oil) the toast that's already done. You have to understand. We have a very small dining area. Because it is also our study. Also, it is the only carpeted area in the whole house. Seriously. F-ing dummies. Anywho, out of the corner of my eye, as I'm chipping away at these eggs, I see toast fly. Then I hear mumbling and a moderately concealed "fuck" (mind you, I've heard my husband cuss like maybe twice) and see a purple balloon get whipped across the room followed by more toast and a couple of red crocs. Apparently he tripped on something. Ohmygosh, I still can't stop laughing. Funnier still: the kid's been randomly stumbling around the house saying, "Oh, oh, ohoh, oh." :) Priceless.

I think if maybe a good sized tent became available we might avail ourselves.

Wednesday Tuesday

So, all day Tuesday I was thinking it was Wednesday. It just seemed like a Wednesday I suppose.

So, anyway, Tuesday. What a day. Wow. The kid was possessed. She cried, quite literally, all day long. I thought by the end of it she must be sick or in pain. But I really don't think she was. She did say her knee hurt, but she also has a bruise on it and she tells us those hurt so we kiss them. Also, if you have a bruise or a wound (or a zit on your face) she'll say, "Ooooooo, ooooooo," and point to it and give it a kiss. :) So, she cried all day. And usually when she cries I can say, "What's wrong." And she'll tell me or mime it to me or in some way communicate the problem. Tuesday, no. Tuesday she just looked away and kept on crying.

No idea.

Except maybe she was growing mentally. Because she all of a sudden, that night, started saying things like, "I can't reach it," and "No, I need you." Versus the usual gesturing and whining.

We were supposed to bottle beer Tuesday, but by the end of the whine fest, we were both so whipped, we just crashed. So we've settled on Friday.

So, yesterday, I folded and put away 5 loads of laundry. Never in a million years would I have ever believed myself capable of washing and not folding or putting away so much laundry. I would have had a conniption. I sort of like the new slacker me. :)

I'm really wanting donuts and Fruity Pebbles. Not together. But they keep popping up in my mind. And cream of wheat.

I don't think there's really anything of substance in my mind tonight. I'm going to go read now.

Hugs and kisses.

And Nosferatu. Just drink it. Preferably on tap with your lover.

When you're no longer a productive member of society, what are you?

Heard a great Sara Groves song on the radio yesterday morning on the way home from work: Eyes on the Prize. I cried. Came home, showed it to Simon and we cried together. So fitting for life right now. It's a good song.

He's so tired. So worn thin. When do we get help? When does God intervene? It's not human help we need. We get the things done we need to. But how long can someone just get worse. How can you live in so much physical pain for so long? With no end in site and never any reprieve? Do you just suffer until death? But with no death in site? I know it sounds morbid. It is.

And we have our bright little A. And honestly, I don't know how much hope we'd have without her. We sure would have a lot more time together, but it's weird how we didn't enjoy each other so much pre A. I crave time with Simon now. Crave it. Just a date. A couple of hours at the bar or coffee shop. Just to look at each other and be, together. It's weird how having a kid makes time together so rare but so gratifying. And life is unbelievably harder since having a kid, but not necessarily in a bad way. And no one can tell you how your life gets better with a kid--it expands your heart and mind and life. And the joy you get from the funny way they say a word or a mannerism, immeasurable.

We don't have the same sort of life as a family with all healthy people would. I'm not complaining, and I wouldn't change it. Because our values have changed, and what's truly important has crystallized. And productivity is worthless. And Christ and grace have become paramount. And that is beautiful no matter how hellish the rest is.

But sometimes you feel judged and sometimes you are.

La Grippe Ah Ha

So, consumption. Curious that. My need to get new stuff. It's like an obsession. Which is weird because I don't buy a lot of stuff. I just want a lot of stuff all the time. But the stuff I want changes, but I think about it all the time. It's like between whole foods and new stuff I keep my head busy enough to not be restless. But it's so damn boring and un-fun and not creative. A slow and continual lulling of life to sleep. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

:|

I don't really have anything philosophical to say about consumption except the excess here is gross and unwarranted. I'm going on a buying hiatus. No new stuff for a year. Wow. I just scared myself. And get the grocery budget in gear. The only luxuries will be good coffee, good beer, and good chocolate. Everything else goes rock bottom. (Also, we need a new car and are looking for a house, so even though those seem like deal breakers, they actually don't count. Nice when you make up your own rules.)

Hmmmm. Wow. I really don't want to do a buying hiatus. But I do. Be more intentional. Live out my passions; not buy stuff made by sex slaves; not fritter away my life by keeping my head out of the game.

...

So, my boy. I'd really like to talk more about his life and struggles here. I'm not sure how to work it all in. It's like a 200 page book of Hu Flung Pu. So I'll start now and work back I guess. A reverse chronology.

S is 35 years old. He's got sandy blond hair, pretty good looking face. But seriously, he's a stud. Oh, but I was telling you about heath and stuff. So, actually 2011 was a good year--diagnosis of Small Fiber Neuropathy, and we found a bunch of really great friends. Simon was able to stop scrambling and start to face all the destruction being chronically sick and debilitated created over the past 20 or so years. Doesn't sound great, but it was great. Lots of emotional pain and regrouping from realizing you've lost not only function and time and money, but huge pieces of yourself along the way. And being left with uncontrolled pain screaming in your face all day long. But good because it's very good to know your enemy. And very, very good to have friends.

So, we'll leave it at that for now. My buddy is a sick-o. But he's got me! And A! So at least he's got that going for him. ;)