Honestly

Sometimes life's just hard. And I hate to complain, but there isn't enough lamenting and honesty, so I also hate to withhold the truth.

I struggle. With money and time and passions. There never seems to be enough to get ahead. Not time or money. And I feel like a failure as a provider because even though we have enough, it's just enough. And then I think of Africans with nothing and I'm just discontent as a rich American. But as Americans, we are far from rich. And I'd like to buy free-range meat, but a dollar more a pound is too much. And I'd love to get out of this hell-hole of a house--the walls are eating themselves from moisture (and this is after repairing the brick and mortar and completely re-plastering the walls and dehumidifying) and the basement is crumbing and moldy and fills when it rains and it's tiny. I think the size gets to me the most because there isn't enough room to live let alone breathe (again, according to rich American standards). But I'm stressed and tired from working third shift and being a nurse is exhausting mentally (sometimes physically). And I'm an introvert and never get alone time. And I'd love to can and grow a garden and make quilts and knit and embroider, but practically I only get through the basics. And I think if there was enough money to pay off debt (school loans) and save for a house and car and not just make it, I'd feel better about not doing the extracurriculars, but it just seems like nothing good happens. And I need new clothes because apparently after breastfeeding and turning 30 (almost) your hips get bigger and your boobs smaller so I have no pants or bras. But we also need a new (to us) car (our 14 year old Subaru is on her last leg), so I feel remiss buying clothing. And then there is Simon and his pain. And I do nothing for him. I help him in no real way. He suffers and there is nothing I can do to lesson his physical pain. And I know that the Lord loves us, but I feel He doesn't care about our daily life. And I know it isn't true, but I'd like Him to show me that. And I know it's an arrogant child that asks for a sign, but I think that's what I'm doing. I pray, but I don't ask Him for good things because I'm afraid. Afraid of nothing good ever happening and what that means. Not that God isn't God, but that He doesn't help us in this life. And He has helped me. He's given me Simon who is an amazing husband and rescuer. I would be dead if he hadn't come along. And He's given me peace and joy in life. And I don't believe in prosperity teaching--it's a lie and damaging. But this is my heart.

And this song, "Oh, God," is a really good comfort:

http://marshill.com/music/albums/already-not-yet