Focus

So far this blog has had quite a shotgun approach, but I've got bigger dreams for it. I admit, I've been using it in a very cathartic/journal-like way. I clear my head with writing and attune my thoughts (which otherwise stay a hot mess). Its original function was...honestly, I have no idea, it was 2006, who can remember that long ago (looks like my second post points to boredom). Also, I kind of kept myself pressure-free with the time commitment I gave it (no posts for 4 years!). I always had in the back of my mind that this would be a blog about being a good wife. Specifically how to help your hubby when he's got a progressively debilitating, chronic illness. I'd like to continue in that vein, but now we've got the kid, our little Paczek. So, I'm thinking more living as a family with chronic illness. It is truly amazing how invasive the tendrils of illness can be in a life and a family's life. I know Mr. Simon tires of always being the reason behind our decisions and plans, but I don't mind so much. He is my Romeo and I can't say that I mind one bit "missing out" on certain experiences or events to be with my boy.

To that end, my next posts will be introductions to the fam. From there, we shall see.

Hello, 60 Minute Neighbors

I am excited for tonight. 60 minute IPA, guacamole, babies, walk, laundry (Excited for laundry? Yes, somehow I am.). Mostly excited, happy to be spending time with my family. I was thinking the other day. What's the point? What's all this rushing around and working and thinking and busy-making for? Who cares? Why do it? What's the point? And not the point of the work so much as the Point. And I think fellowship is all there is. Relationship. Why go to work and make money and keep yard and home nice and improve health? There is stewardship. And working hard and simply is Biblical. And making merry while you work. Joy in the process. And that's the redeemed side of work I think. Because work is our curse, and takes us away from the ones we love and, at times, what our hearts most want. But time with family and friendily--that's wholly meaningful. There is fulfillment in a completed task. The fulfillment of obedience and perseverance. But at the end of the day you're left with still more tasks to complete. And I think the fulfilling part, if it isn't pride, is the joy of pleasing God. Obeying him, pleasing him.

I want to be a doer only. Not because I'm oh-so-obedient, but because I shy away from relationships, especially deep ones. They scare me. But also, I think they are essential. I'm ok with just my two bubbies, but throw in a few more and I start to wriggle. But then you have to consider why we're still here. If the point is relationship, and God loves us, but Paradise has not yet been restored; we'd better get busy. I'd better get busy. And open up my heart. See, maybe the work isn't all bad. Maybe the work all leads to relationship. Explains why sometimes I don't want to "do" anything or get involved (even though I'm a get-up and-go-type). Once you do something, you open the door for relationship, then things get sticky. Ug. That's a wholly different can of "past" worms.

Oh, well. Onward and upward, right? No time for being prissy and keeping your hands clean.

So grab your bubbies and a brewski and get yourself to work self!

Ethnic Slur

Hello. So, I've decided the Paleo is stupid and expensive. I'm still into the idea of eating more meat. Just not into the idea of eliminating entire, delicious food groups. Just doesn't make sense. Even if I'd look like a Cheetah. Rather be a Polack. I can say that. I am one.

So, not sure how the babe is doing. Mr. Simon babe that is. I've worked the last two nights and that makes for little time for interaction. When I get up, he's shot and needing a break from little Babe, and I try to get a little quality time in with her between baths and laundry and cooking and dishes, which means quick pecks and communication grunts between him and me. I know he's not the worst, but I can tell he's in the red.

I was thinking, I really should get a blog emphasis. Instead of just meandering along. Maybe that is my emphasis. But I'm not aimless, just without blog focus.

I've been so delighted by my baby lately. She's such a little joy. Really, truely, wholly such a blessing. A fulfilling gift. I never thought I'd have a little cuke in my care, and let me tell you, I'm so happy to have. I think I was in a constant state of elation for like her entire first year (and of terror of SAD), then I got really tired. And discouraged. And disheartened from life. And I enjoyed her less and that is a shame. But the Boy and I have done a lot of talking and have come to some good conclusions about our life and our goals and hopes and dreams and I've got a lot of peace and a lot of joy back. And calm. And she brings us a lot of joy.

In a superficial twist, the Kid will be 2 soon and I've been trying to decide what to get her for her birthday. I want it to be magnificant. Not just a good birthday, epic. I want to buy her a million toys and some dresses (she loves dresses) and German Muzzy. Mr. Simon says we shouldn't because she'll never remember (and it's not in the budget). And he's right, she won't and it's not. But I still want it to be an epic birthday. I want her to feel celebrated. And so does he. It's amazing really how much of our actions are dictated by the unhealthy or unpleasant parts of our past. I felt unknown and uncared for on my birthday. My reaction is to buy a bunch of stuff and call that caring, but that's not the heart of it. Giving a gift that someone truely will love, big or small. Being present, with that person, and actually loving them. That's amazing. Caring enough to put time and thought into making the day special for them, in ways that they will feel love and care and know that that they are known. That is what is important. Not stuff. But stuff is fun too. Though it matters less than the intent. And the perfect present given without love feels like hate. Still, the Kid is in serious need of some toys. She's got mostly baby stuff! But I will try temper my reactive impulse to buy the whole store in an attempt to fully love my Kid. Why can't she have real love and affection and great toys too? Baaah. God help me. I come from a long line of Polish excess.

Brownies

Mmmmmm, these are good. A 10 really. Moist but not overly wet. Nice crackly top. Made with cocoa, so they're cheap, but all the intense goodness and complexity of a brownie made with chocolate. I'll post pictures later. A name too. Oh, and they're dairy-free!

The Mort Noire (I hope that doesn't sound like a package of Asian noodles, I don't speak French)
4 large eggs
1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
3/4 cup melted coconut oil
1 1/4 cup cocoa
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2 teaspoon course sea salt
1/2 cup white flour

Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Grease an 8 inch square glass baking dish with coconut oil.

Beat eggs until light yellow and fluffy. Add both sugars. Mix. Add remaining ingredients except flour. Mix. Add flour and mix.

Pour into prepped pan and bake for approximately 45 minutes. Toothpick test. You want moist crumbs clinging. Not full on batter, not clean. Moist crumbs.

Cool on wire wrack. Eat. Best the next day.

Lord Raise Me Up

"The earth is the Lord's
and the fullness
thereof,
the world and those who dwell
therein,"
Psalm 24:1 ESV

"The earth and everything on it,
including its people,
belong to the Lord.
The world and its people
belong to him."
Psalm 24:1 CEV

I feel compelled to confess and worship the one who made me. I'm terrified of being like the crazy Christians who pronounce their own truths and create their own realities of the Lord and for their lives. But God is the Lord, and he is terrible and wonderful. And I am his. And even though "my heart is like wax; melted within my breast," and I feel bent low with sorrow, the Lord is my God and he will one day will raise us up from the ground.

Uh, Paleo?

I'm tired. I feel like I don't give the kiddo the life she deserves. Not enough play time or learning time. I just muddle through. I'd love to take her to parks more and swimming, and do little learning lessons. I love to take her outside and kick the ball. She's such a spirited little thing.

On a completely different note. I've been reading about the Paleo Diet. Sounds great. And delicious. Except I will have to have dark chocolate and beer. The rest I'm pretty fine with. Oh, and the occasional sourdough bread. I have to admit, I haven't read the science behind the diet, just that it's the idea that it's better to eat like cavemen. Which, of course, I don't believe existed. Naked Adam and Eve, yes. Cavemen, not so much. However, the idea of lots of meats and veggies and some fruits and nuts sets well in my mind. I'm not so snobby or restrictive to say no to some enlightenment though. Coffee, chocolate, tea, beer, alcohol. What's the difference between butchering and cooking meat with seasonings and fat or growing and fermenting and/or roasting seeds/pods/beans/leaves? Also, this is a no grain thing. I believe the idea is that agriculture is not good. I understand slightly (crazy corn, wheat, soy production ain't so cool). But vegetables and fruits are agricultural crops. Some grains grow wild. The idea that grains are difficult to digest makes some sense to me due to my pathetic digestive system. Rings true. But I have different ideas for the cause of that--The Fall, entropy, etc. Not so much monkey ancestry and that agriculture is evil. Actually, the more I think of it, this Paleo Diet makes no sense at all. I think I just like the idea of excessive amounts of meat and fat. Mr. Simon would definitely like it. I think I'll kind of do it. Lots of meat. Plus vegetables. And chocolate, coffee, beer, and other fermentables. I think what really caught me was the more lean mass/greater energy/better digestion schtick.

Boy update: Still bad. Have some help with the kiddo in the form of a Saintly G-Ma. Thinking of sending her to her Auntie's too. Oh how I hate the idea of sending her away. Silly, I know. It's to relatives who love her for hours in days not boarding school or something. Still hard. But this is supposed to be a boy update. Went for a massage. Got appointment scheduled with SFN specialist (finally!) (it's taken 9 months and we won't go until November--she's apparently very good). Wondering if alcohol is making him worse, but our midnight brewskies keep him going too.... What to do. Sleep has been a great help. He's in need of a sign or wonder. Starting to see God as good because we know in our heads that he is, but not one to intervene or help in this life. Hope is dwindling, none left for this life. Not sure how to help.

Do you love how I speak in sentence fragments? It's like a telegram.

So, here's the game plan for this week/month/whatever. Get The Kid to the sitter (Aunt), swim lessons (for The Kid), more massages and sleep for Mr. Simon, more meat for me. :) I think I'm going to start putting some recipes on here too. Maybe starting with my Deep Magic Brownies. They're pretty good. Tune in next week. But if this is going to turn into a food blog, I need a camera. Hmmmmmmm, what a devilishly good scheme to get my camera...