Birthday Interview: A @ 5 (A Little Late)

What do you want to be when you grow up?
“I would like to have a cupcake shop and have an ice cream shop. And a pet store. And have kids and get married. And I'm gonna still live here. And I can work for you so you can stay home."

What will that be like?

“That will be like funness. All funness!"

What makes you happy?

“When we eat ice cream and watch shows. That's mostly it.”

What makes you sad?

“If we don't eat ice cream and watch a show.”

What do you dream about?

“I don't mostly dream. I forgot my dream. I can tell at the nighttime. At the morning I mean.”

Who are your friends?

“Um, Jordyn and the Martins and that's mostly it. I mean, I have more friends, but I can't tell 'em all to ya.”

What are your favorite toys?

“My dinny (dinosaur) and my unicorn and flowers!"

What do you like to do with mommy?

“Have fun with her! To snuggle and watch something together."

What do you like to do with daddy?

“Play games with him and eat lunch with him.”

What's your favorite color?

“Pink. And the rainbow!”

What's your favorite book?

“Heidi.”

What does mommy do all day?

“Mmmmmmmm, I don't really know. I mean, she usually works all day. Sometimes she doesn't.”

What does daddy do all day?

“Usually works in the basement.”

What's the most important thing you've done this year?

“Have mommy and respect her. And play with her and love her. And play with Ezzy a lot.”

What do you want to do before your next birthday?

“Have fun with Mommy!”

Ten Reasons My Kid Is. Stellar.

So, A is amazing. So truly a Star. She's so smart and and funny and beautiful. Honestly. :)

I'm biased, you say? Of course I think so, she's my daughter?

No. Really. She's amazing.

Examples:

1. She's super good at math. Blowing through 1st grade math as "technically" a "preschooler." (Although I tell everyone we've started "kindergarten." Whatever. Every kind of grade is stupid.)

2. She only likes to wear granny-panties. Ever. That's all. She will tolerate dresses if pushed to.

3. Today, she ran to the door in her granny-panties, only, and yelled to our mailman, "Hi, John! Speedy delivery!"

4. Sitting on the potty while waiting for me to finish the dishes, she repeatedly threatened to "wipe myself if you don't hurry up." Including, "that's it, I'm wiping."

5. Also sitting on the potty, talking to daddy, she says, "Mama won't let us sleep in the sleeping bags tonight, which I'm very cross about."

6. She asks every other day for violin lessons.

7. At McDonald's she orders a bacon McDouble with mayo, lettuce, and tomato with a side of nuggets. I'll take some meat with my meat please.

8. She loves the lost.

9. She likes good music. I mean, really good music. And she can dance. Like nobody's business.

10. She makes eye contact and says "hi" to everyone remotely elderly because, "Gramma told me to say 'hi' to all the old people." It's awesome.

I know your kid is equally as stellar. :) Because kids are.

Stellar.

So, what's your "Ten Reasons My Kid Is. Stellar."?

Blog it, dudes! For posterity!

Winter Magic

Making "ice cream" with Andromeda this a.m. and she added "an ounce of snowflakes." This is going to be some damn good ice cream!

Even Better Waffles!

10 oz gluten free flour mix (Shauna's is by far the best!)
2 oz ground flax meal
1/2 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
4 Tbsp. melted coconut oil
1 3/4 cup almond milk
1 Tbsp. lemon juice (or 2 tsp. vinegar)
3 eggs
2 Tbsp. maple syrup

2 tsp. vanilla
 

Preheat electric waffle iron. Mix dry ingredients. Whisk wet ingredients in a stand mixer until well combined. Add dry ingredients and whisk for 1 minute. Let batter stand for at least 5 minutes. Grease waffle iron with coconut oil as needed. Eat/serve immediately! Light, crispy, delicious!

Haters Hate Wally World

If you hate Wal-Mart because they love the bottom line, then hate yourself for loving the same. If you hate Wal-Mart because they accept government subsidies, then hate NPR and PBS because they take money from those same controlling bastards. (I'm telling myself this too, don't be offended.)

Birthday Interview: A at 4

So, the best idea ever, Birthday Interviews, taken directly from Lauren @ Sparkling Adventures. 

What do you want to be when you grow up?

“A cupcake maker. Uh, but I don’t know really.”

What will that be like?

“Just, actually, so fun. You guys can be in it.”

What makes you happy?

“Ice cream.”

What makes you sad?

“No eating ice cream.”

What do you dream about?

“I dream about being a mermaid.”

Who are your friends?

“Olive and Squigy.”

What are your favorite toys?

“This one." (R2D2)

What do you like to do with mommy?

“Bake.”

What do you like to do with daddy?

“Help him work.”

What's your favorite color?

“Pink.”

What's your favorite book?

“Library books. And cards; I love those.”

What does mommy do all day?

“Bake and do other stuff.”

What does daddy do all day?

“Work and sometimes restes. And wants to go to sleep but he can’t because I wake him up.”

What's the most important thing you've done this year?

“Have a birthday.”

What do you want to do before your next birthday?

“Have ice cream.”

Life and Vices

I might not be very good at feeling. Or knowing my feelings. In fact, I'm not. Not good at either. Feelings are far from me. But music helps me feel. And not just what the artist is feeling. It helps me find my own feelings. Gives a kind of shape and warmth to my heart or spirit or whatever. Is the spark that helps me live. Music, what would I do without you? Of all the things I love and that help me, music is the most. The most everything. Although I do love coffee and chocolate. But maybe those are just vices. :)

Waffles!

1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 cup ground flax
1 T. baking soda
1/2 t. salt
4 T. coconut oil, melted
2 T. maple syrup
1 1/2 cup almond milk
2 eggs
1 T. vanilla

Preheat a waffle iron. Mix dry ingredients. Melt coconut oil in a large Pyrex measuring cup (at least 2 cup). Add syrup, milk, eggs, vanilla and mix well. Add wet ingredients to dry and mix until just combined. Brush a little melted coconut oil onto waffle iron. Cook batter in waffle iron according to manufacturer's directions. :) Enjoy!

Pumpkin Pancakes

6 eggs, separated
1 1/2 cups pumpkin (1 small can)
1/2 cup rice flour
2 T. ground flax
3/4 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 tsp. ginger
1/4 tsp. cloves
1/8 tsp. nutmeg
3/4 tsp. salt
1 tsp. vanilla
2 T. maple syrup

Separate eggs, beat whites until fluffy. Mix yolks, pumpkin, flour, flax, and spices, salt, vanilla, and maple syrup in a different bowl. Fold in whites.

Cook in coconut oil in cast iron skillet, serve with plenty of maple syrup. :)

5th of July

My little A just found a pet firefly and named him Chewbacca. I couldn't be prouder. :)

Hobby Lobby is the Best!

Yeah, so what's the deal hating on the H.L.!?! When did it become ok to disrespect a company's choices? You want oral contraception, go f-ing work somewhere else! It's not discrimination to choose to not pay for someone else's abortion. It's called being responsible and ethical and loving and standing up for what you believe!

If only the public knew/patients were informed that one function of the Pill is that may cause an abortion! This should be common knowledge. It's not a proven fact that it causes abortions, but there is no way to disprove it. This is just science people! But I suppose the fact that you may be killing a baby doesn't weigh heavy on the hearts of many anymore.

I, for one, am proud of H.L.

Fraud

So, I'm a nurse, right? Right. I am. Really, truly. Registered and all. But I'm not. I don't believe in medicine. I don't believe in any of the "preventative medicine screenings" based on "scientific research." Yeah. Sorry. If you've ever read any of these "studies," and you have any sort of ability to think beyond what you're told, that shit "don't make no sense." Call me an ignorant nurse. But I'll call you an ignorant doctor.

And I really wanted to be a nurse practitioner. I really did. I really want to go further. Because I'm bored. Because I'm restless. Because once I know how to do something, I'm done. And, also, I want to help people. I really, really do. I like helping people. But I can't lie to myself. And I can't lie to people.

Don't get me wrong. Not all medicine is a lie. But a hell of a lot of it is an experiment. A human experiment. And that's unethical.

And we're just not quite so amazing as we think we are. Plan and simple, I think we know shit.

So, there you have it. My life is a lie. I go to work everyday and implement protocol that's just all an experiment. Granted, some of it does appear to help. A fellow nurse once said, "Ninty-eight percent of people live or die despite what we do. One percent are helped, and one percent die because of what we do." It was a super unscientific statement (I suppose), but it bears weight I think. And deserves consideration.

So, there you have it. What am I to do?

"What's this point if it never goes anywhere."

Misheard quote. Dang, I hate that. It fits the way I remember it, not so much otherwise. And so I misquote. Intentionally.

Story of my life. I love a song until I know what they really say. I love a company until I learn what they really do. Which is better? To live blind and enjoy what you think you know or to know the truth and despair.

Maybe that's dramatic. Maybe you can know the truth and not despair. But how? There is so little light and so little to enjoy, we cling to anything that brings us joy. But if it's false joy it isn't joy at all. Guess you just have to dig and dig and find the real joy and hold tight through the rest.

Like jimmies. I always think I'm gonna love jimmies. So colorful, so beautiful, so full of life. But really so disgusting, so false, so off-putting. Yes, I'm talking about sprinkles. Fake and waxy. So not what they should be.

Not like an IPA. Bitter, bitter. But so bright. So lovely, only leaves behind trees and nature.

I littered today. A plastic bag. I feel like I single-handedly destroyed all the holiness God put into this earth. Step by step, we make it base and fill it with sin. Essentially hating God. Oh, God I don't want to hate you. But in my heart I hold everything all wrong. I want to know you but I read Buzzfeed. I want to love my daughter but I only scold her behavior. I want to serve my husband but I only think of myself.

I hide so much. But I suppose you know.

Kicks

Never. I repeat. Never. Downgrade to a basic phone. They're shit. I'm day nine without a phone. All because of an ill-made decision to try a feature phone.

My beautiful HTC One, Suzette, is on her way. I'll call her Susie for short. She's red. ;)

I've suffered this week. Suffered like the fucking selfish lady I am.

I haven't suffered at all. But I have missed my phone.

On the plus side. I think I'm going to go shopping soon. None of my clothes fit. I must be weird-shaped. Nothing ever fits. If an 8 is too small, why the hell does a 10 fall off!?!?!?!?!

I just have to find my style. It doesn't exist in this county. Makes for frustrating shopping trips. However, I am excited to drive down to C-bus. I need to go to T.J.'s too.

I actually want to blow-off work tomorrow. I've never felt that way before.

Anyone ever heard of post menstrual syndrome? I think I have it.

Obamacare, etc.

So, that's a big downer. Government regulated, required healthcare. Nothing like being told how to live your life. Everybody must really love dictators or something. If it really were better, would they really have to require everybody to have it? Wouldn't people just choose it?

On the plus side, I've been working days for several months!!!!!! It's wonderful. I can think all day long! I was only a Med/Surg nurse for a couple months and then got a job in the midwife's office. It's been awesome for daily life, but I'm suffering a pride crisis. Apparently I've been getting my worth and identity from my job. An easy mistake, I'm sure, but hurtful non-the-less. I'm working on it. While thinking about a new way to increase my pride, becoming a midwife myself! It still may end up being a good choice for our family. But I'll have to work on this pride crap in the mean time.

I Love You

Sometimes your heart gets so filled up with pain it feels like it's going to burst.

But then sometimes that ache mingles with a weird and heart-breaking joy. And now your heart is all stretched out and a much bigger space than you ever thought possible. And instead of just pain, it's a deep and aching love, more full and real than a love that fills a space never stretched by pain.

Simon, my heart aches for you.

It's so hard to stay awake. But not a nice dreamy, sleep. Deadness. Heartlessness and discontent.

Who has the answer? Is the answer Christ? Am I too tired? Just literally, physically too tired to focus my eyes?

I just want constant passion and perpetual truth and life. That's all I ask. But I keep getting tired and sitting down. And I don't know where to put my energy. Like what to focus on even if I could. Like music and colors and acrylic paint and embroidery and baking and jelly and meat and hunting and gathering like strawberries and tomatoes and mommying and pups and playing and singing and dancing and eating and drinking and drinking and water and diving and swimming and soccer and cigarettes and music and music and experience and creation and photos and images and gold and history and reading and brains just as strong as faith. Like where to begin? What to do? How to get all these internal fragments into something worthwhile. But I don't even really believe that. Making something worthwhile of yourself. Or do I?

If you take all these elements of beauty and interest or talent and never organize them into anything is it all just a horrid waste? Or is it all just selfish and wasteful to even try. Love only. Above and beyond, Love. I think there can be heart and soul and intention and all just as a shadow to Love. Like, it all does matter and it should be considered and well thought out and played. But as second fiddle to love.

Mr. Simon, how'd you get so smart? If you could only live more in some pre-fab alternate life like I do, maybe you wouldn't suffer so much. Just detach and die off a little. Like me.

Neither of us really lives. Me because life scares the shit out of me and you because of cruel, cruel SFN.

Come on, Aslan, time to wake up? Pleeeeeese.

Dog, Days

So, here I am not blogging.

Guess what? I got DAYS! I'm soooooooooooo excited. I think our life will be forever changed for the better!! Honestly, no leaving the fam at night, no switching between days and nights, no more nights induced diarrhea! I'm hoping my mind comes back too! When you're a nurse and you have to be "on" in the middle of the night, your brain gets fried for anything but middle of the night emergencies. You can imagine how disorganized my house is. Blerg.

But anyway, the end of all that nonsense is near!!!!!!!! July 28th near!

Also, Dogs. Beautiful, mindful creatures. I've got puppy fever. Our neighbor is dog sitting for, Gertie. The most amazing Am Staff pup I've ever seen! I want her. She wants me too. She got loose yesterday and ran to me and just sat by my side. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But, unfortunately, she's not mine. Not available to adopt. :( And we shouldn't yet. Need to get a fence and crate and read up on Natural Dogmanship. But oh how I love that Gertie!

So, that's all for now. My little A is saying, "Mommy, Mommy come to the beach with me." So to the "beach" I must go!

For Simon

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18

Experiment: 4th Photos

Strawberry Pie!! (Unfortunately I used tapioca starch instead of corn, the "gel" had the texture of an unmentionable body fluid.)

Forth of July Baby!